Feeling like a frustrated Programmer

I really find self study as a hard and a thing made not for me. But when I reached college and chose to be an IT specialist, this became my greatest obstacle. I am used to being spoon fed with my lessons. I do not give a damn to visit the library to study and do research. Why should I? I’ve got my friends who can help me with the programming problems and my instructors to teach me the lessons. All I need to do is to listen, extract information and learn from them. That’s all I need.That was me.

Until I was doing my theis. I was with 3 others. They’re good. We are all good. Each one is assigned with different function. I was tasked to do QA. I also do DB Design, UI Interface, and colaborate with the Document Specialist for the entire documentation until it finally became a book. I wanted to be in the coding task but I’m just not qualified. We used PHP, MySQL, and Apache Server. This was out of my knowledge. I never had the chance to take this subject. I was not taught and I was not spoon fed. So, I rely to our programmers. We all did.

Because our programmer is not greedy enough to own every coding job, he assigned me to research and study about certain programming langauage, techniques and logics. He was so shareful that he even let me read programming codes and even code. I was happy for the chance but I felt like I am just the great assistant, the next to, the next priority, etc, always the least priority and always an option. Yes, I was insecure and intimidated. But I have to accept the truth, accept my role so that I would not be feeling emotional pain anymore brought by self-disappointment and focus on the task to help finished the thesis. But I am not dropping the dream. I will keep the dream of being a programmer someday. I will do everything to become one. Even if takes years, I will wait because I will be!


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